We can look at nearly every aspect of our lives and ask ourselves, “What if?”
What if:
- My parents had never met?
- I hadn’t missed the train to work in NYC on 9/11/01?
- She hadn’t sunk that 3-point shot with time running out to win the championship?
- One or both of them had decided not to attend that party – the one at which they met, started dating, got married, had children, and eventually grandchildren?
As I sit here in a recliner, recovering from triple bypass surgery, clutching a heart-shaped pillow to my chest whenever I cough or clear my throat, wondering what the hell happened, I can’t help but ask myself, “What if?”
What if my heart attack hadn’t happened on August 3? August 3 is the birthday of my longest-standing friend, Mark. We go back to when we called each other out after school in 2nd or 3rd grade. A large group of kids had gathered on the playground to watch us fight. As we circled each other (ok, hemmed and hawed), the crowd thinned as they realized there wasn’t anything to see. Eventually, it was just he and I standing by ourselves. That’s when the throw-down began – as in, we threw each other’s raincoats in a puddle. An epic confrontation.
On this particular birthday, Mark’s wife was in the hospital (God rest her gorgeous soul). I didn’t want him to be alone, so I reached out, and it was planned that I would go to his house for dinner. Had I not, I would have been sitting alone in my house — and I wouldn’t have been discovered until I didn’t show up for work the following day. What if?
I arrived at Mark’s house. Also in attendance were Mark’s son Phillip and Phillip’s girlfriend, Jackie. We enjoyed conversation, had cocktails, and prepared dinner. We sat down to eat and began enjoying dinner. And that is the last I remember. No warning signs, no chest pain, no left arm pain, no jaw pain, no mid-back pain. Nothing. My next memory is waking up in the ICU, confused and in a great deal of pain.
The following accounts have been pieced together by others since I have no recollection of them.
At some point during dinner, I slumped forward into my plate. It was quickly discerned that I wasn’t choking but instead was in cardiac arrest. By a twist of fate, Jackie is a health care provider. What if?
She jumped in and started CPR. Doing CPR is exhausting, both mentally and physically. To do so for 30 minutes is nearly impossible. I understand she gave Phillip a quick lesson in chest compressions, and the two of them maintained CPR for half an hour. What if?
Please watch this short video on how and why CPR works:
CPR in Action | A 3D look inside the body
EMS arrived. They took over CPR and shocked my heart 4–5 times. I have no idea what the criteria is for how many shocks they give you before it’s determined that it’s enough but … what if?
I was resuscitated and whisked to Virtua OLOL in Camden, one of the most renowned cardiac hospitals in the region. Another twist of fate – only 5 minutes away. What if?
Delivery to the ER — which I have no recollection of. Then, once stabilized, transfer to ICU. It was there that I woke up to see my family standing around me. I was confused and in a God-awful amount of pain. I remember hearing someone say, “You had a heart attack.”
From there it was:
- Meeting with the cardiac surgeon to discuss the plan.
- A trip to the cath lab.
- Another meeting with the surgeon to discuss the findings.
- Culprit: three blocked coronary arteries.
- Triple bypass, open heart surgery.
- Back to ICU for a few days.
- Transfer to PCU for a couple days.
- Released to home. I was in the hospital from Sunday to Sunday.
I’m home now, adjusting to a very different way of life. I’m trying not to think of all the what-ifs, because I could what-if myself into the psych ward. Instead, I’m focusing on how grateful I am and on my future.
I’m grateful to my friend Mark, his son Phillip, and of course Jackie for being there in my time of need and for knowing how to jump into action.
I’m grateful to the EMTs who took over CPR and shocked my heart back into action.
I’m grateful to the ER docs/nurses for their amazing care.
I’m grateful to the cardiac surgeon and her PA who performed the bypass surgery.
I’m grateful to the ICU nurses and the PCU nurses. It’s often said nurses are angels in disguise. It’s not until you need them that you realize this is so very true.
I’m grateful to my family and friends who’ve taken the time to reach out and wish me well, helped with meals, stopped in for a visit to raise my spirits, provided advice from their nursing experience, cleaned my house, and taken me to doctors’ appointments.
I’m grateful to my children Molly and Alex, who have drastically altered their young professional lives to take care of me. The responsibilities of caring for a post-cardiac surgery patient are numerous, and they have both stepped up to the task with love and efficacy.
And I’m grateful to God, who decided I have unfinished business here.
While I saw no afterlife while I was “away,” I certainly see the future. It will involve a lot of stopping to smell the roses.
I love to work. As a business owner, I can easily find myself putting in 65–75 hours a week. That will change. My new focus will be on delegation. With my sense of control and perfectionism, this will be a challenge, but a necessary one.
From now on I will go for that walk, take that day trip, stop in that quirky coffee shop I never had time for, stop and pet that dog, read that book, learn that language, cook/bake that dish from scratch, finish writing that book, and spend more time with family and friends.
My one constant was the gym. Even with my schedule I got there 4–5x/week. But I was heavy on weights and light to nonexistent on cardio. That’ll change. In fact, it won’t be “none of your business” if you ask me whether I’m getting my walks and cardio in.
I’m anxious to get back to work. But it won’t look the same. Gone will be the 65–75-hour work weeks. And letting go of the little things so I can work on the business instead of in the business will be the norm.
What I will concentrate on is the brand we built and our brand promise. I have always enjoyed providing the best customer service possible. I take pride in the fact that my team provides top-notch service to the attorneys who have entrusted their clients with us for not only compassionate, efficacious care, but also with outside referrals and overall case management — from initial visit to settlement. This has set us apart, and this is what I’ll be able to focus on and devote my entire time.
As for how the practice is operating now, with the captain in sick bay, we are maintaining course. I was fortunate to have Dr. Hoffman and Dr. Gessler on board before my mishap. With nearly 60 years of combined experience, they are equally capable of providing top-notch care to our patients.
And of course there’s Alexis, my first mate, without whom the ship would surely run aground. Lex has been with me for over eight years. She has now taken the helm and is most capable. She knows everything about the practice and knows the PI world inside and out. Should you have any questions during my absence, she is your go-to person.
I know I have a long, slow road to full recovery. But I am lucky and truly grateful to have such a wonderful support team. I look forward to once again engaging with you professionally and socially. Until then, best wishes and God bless.
